When the Roller Coaster Stops

Adoption is often compared to a roller coaster. And as far as analogies go, it’s pretty accurate.  There are times you’re working up to something, other times you fall into whatever is next with no control over where it takes you. There is simultaneously both excitement and fear, peace and anxiety, hope and disappointment. Sometimes there is a lot of waiting and other times things take off before you feel ready. Sometimes unexpected turns provide another surge of excitement and energy to keep moving forward. At other times a turn may leave you feeling unsettled and unsure of what is ahead. Sometimes you are glad when it ends and often the ride comes to a stop far sooner than you wanted.

For us, our most recent adoption journey has definitely given us some unexpected turns. And while we would love to say that those turns provided just joy and excitement, unfortunately  our ride ended sooner than we wanted and we are currently sitting with more disappointment and feeling unsure of what comes next.

We got a call early in May that birth mom was in labor. That was certainly unexpected since she wasn’t due for about two weeks and had not been showing signs that labor would come soon. And while we had a goal of getting “go bags” packed and ready, we didn’t get those done in time. So we quickly packed up Moriah, got her to the grandparents’ house and then packed ourselves before flying out the next morning.

The next couple days were filled with a good amount of excitement, energy and hope. We arrived at the hospital the next afternoon and spent that day and the next with baby boy, birth mom and some of her family. We held baby boy and talked about names. We changed diapers, fed him bottles and gave him kisses. We spent time with birth mom and got to know this beautiful woman more.

We knew that the adoption attorney would not be able to make it to the hospital for a few days so we waited patiently. Baby boy was still in the hospital (expected) so we found activities to occupy some of our free time while we waited.

Then, came the big unexpected turn. We woke up to a message from the attorney not saying when he would arrive but instead that birth mom was rethinking her choice. We were stunned. And while we understand that adoption is a difficult choice for any mother, this one caught us off guard. Feeling somewhat paralyzed by this news we decided we needed to stay in Florida for a few more days until we had more information and began to process what was happening.

We had planned on being there for at least two weeks, but after just eight days we decided we needed to head back home, without our baby boy. Our ride came to an abrupt stop.

This time we went through airports with an empty car seat and stroller. This time we walked with disappointment and sadness as our arms were empty and not holding a baby. Again we cried as we lost a child we believed would be ours but wasn’t.

We would love to be writing this post while holding our son and showing you pictures of his sweet face. But instead we are praying that the decisions made on his behalf are what is truly best for him and birth mom.

A couple years ago, long before we had Moriah, God asked me (Jenny) a pointed question one day while sitting in church. He asked me, “Do you trust me with your family?” I was struggling with infertility and the heartbreak of watching so many people around me get pregnant seemed too  much at times. But I knew in my heart my response. Yes. Yes, Lord, I trust you with my family. Then he said, “Let me show you how I will provide.” I can’t explain what happened after that in any other way than to say there was peace.

At the moment we are unsure of what our story looks like moving forward. But this we know for sure: God is GOOD!  We may not understand why. There may never be an answer for that. He never promised an easy life. But he does promise to bring us through if we lean on him. And so, that is what we will do. It may sound cheesy to some to say that, but for us that is truth. 

On a practical note we want to make something clear. Any birth mom faced with the choice of adoption for her baby is making a very difficult choice. There is absolutely no room for saying anything negative about birth mom. We will not budge on this. We may be hurting, but understand that our desire to be parents will always come at the sacrifice of another parent in a huge way. Please show her the love and respect she deserves.

We so greatly appreciate all the love and support many of you have already shown us. Thank you for allowing us to not talk when we don’t want to, for letting us cry when needed, for feeding us and for distracting us with games and fun. And, thank you for praying for us all as we take one day at a time on this crazy journey of life.

Here We Go Again

The secret’s out… WE ARE ADOPTING AGAIN!

Baby BOY due May 18, 2014.

 

That’s the short, sweet, exciting {and a little bit scary} story.  Here’s the longer, or at least more detailed, story.

First, it is important to note that we had NOT been actively looking to adopt again so soon.  At one point we discussed starting up the process again later this year closer to Moriah’s second birthday. But the idea was that we would start with getting our homestudy updated and then begin a process that could take another year plus before being matched.

But that was OUR plan.

Near the end of February I (Jenny) saw a notice from the same person who connected us with Moriah. It basically said this:

Bi-racial baby, due May/June in Florida.

It wasn’t anything out of the norm. Now, being in these adoption circles, I see things like this frequently enough and I would just think, Oh, that’s nice for some great family. They get to adopt a baby, and a baby gets a family.

And then a couple days later:

Still looking for a family for baby.

Hmm, that’s weird, these seem to match quicker than this.  I said a quick prayer for the family that would adopt this baby.  I also emailed some people I knew were looking to adopt and emailed this person asking her to keep me updated.

For some reason this one was sticking with me.  I couldn’t stop thinking about this baby. I just wanted the right family to step forward. Secretly a small part of me wished it was a year later and we could.

A couple weeks later I get an email:

STILL looking for a match!

Obviously, in reading this story and knowing where we stand today, it seems simple. But at the time…and sometimes still…it just seemed so ridiculous.  Moriah is only 15 months old!  We are still working to pay off her adoption. We’re not ready. This is crazy!  Oh, and I’ve never mentioned it to Nate that I was thinking and praying for this baby (Oooops).

But I couldn’t hold it in anymore. For the first time I (Jenny) brought it up to Nate.  He had seen the notes on Facebook but didn’t think too much of it.  Now I told him about the emails and asking, should we?!

Do you ever have those moments where you feel unsure about something but keep walking forward anyway. And then out of the blue it’s like the sky opens, your eyes are clear and you just know you’re in a good place?  Yeah, me neither…until now.

We had the privilege of talking with birthmom by phone. And while that first conversation was short, it was very sweet. There is a genuine connection I cannot fully put into words. And conversations since have only served to further confirm that we were the people she was praying for. We are so grateful not only to have the amazing privilege of adopting another child, but also to have such a positive connection.

That was five weeks ago. And since then we have been working on paperwork to update our homestudy, rearranging furniture to make room for new baby and now the other bedroom has a fresh coat of paint. We also found out It’s a Boy! and that doctor firmed up the due date a bit earlier at May 18th.

Now we have only five weeks left until that date! 

(Wait, excuse me while I scream…Ahhhhhhhhhh! This is crazy!!!!!!!!)

So, while we are enjoying the blue skies, we are praying for back ground checks to clear quickly, for our meetings to go smoothly, and that baby stays in there while we finish up all the legal mumbo jumbo.  The fabulous, wonderful, necessary, hand cramping as we sign too many papers mumbo jumbo that makes it possible for us to adopt this little boy who will forever change our lives.  ;)

 

 

Moriah is also excited to have a younger brother. She doesn't know it yet, and will probably be a bit confused when he comes. You can also pray with us that she takes this transition well and for us as we figure out how to help her with the coming changes.

 

Re-Learning Christmas

It's that time of year when many of us find ourselves in and out, and in and out again, of many stores, searching for parking spots and wondering, when will this be done?! A season of giving. And yet sometimes I need to stop, take a deep breath and remember why it is that we give. That it is better to give than receive. 

A couple years into marriage, Nate and I stopped, took a deep breath and seriously evaluated the way that we treat Christmas.  Are we getting too wrapped up in all the wrapping and bows? Too taken in by finding just the right gifts, those chart topping, great gifts? What we found when we stopped and took an honest look at ourselves is that we were forgetting one very important thing.

 

We were forgetting the most perfect and greatest of gifts that was already given.

The joy that inspired a tradition of remembrance through giving. 

 

We forgot to remember.  And so, we made the decision to change HOW we give. We chose to remember WHY we give. For our family and friends it meant that gifts from us were different (and we hoped that they would appreciate our personal touch).

We don't make gifts the way we did during those years. And this year, if you saw the items wrapped and sitting by our tree, you might not know how I am different now in comparison to seven or eight years ago. But there is a fundamental difference now in how my heart approaches Christmas and all it's twinkle.  Those few years taught me deep in my soul that we celebrate because of this...

For God so loved the world that he GAVE his child.

We celebrate and remember that we have already been given God's greatest gift.

That's all good and sounds great, right?  Yeah, I thought so too. I thought during those years that we chose to do Christmas differently that I learned to really appreciate more deeply and receive more graciously. While all that is true and it did change me (us), what I didn't know was what I had yet to learn. 

And then God turned our world upside down. One year ago we moved through the joy of Christmas with a twinge of pain and grief.  The little girl we hoped to adopt did not end up coming home with us.  Just days before Christmas we left a hospital with an empty car seat sitting behind us as we drove home. While we celebrated the beauty of a mother choosing to provide, for us those days were bittersweet.

But this year we do not mourn. We do not grieve or try to let go of pain. This year we celebrate. This year we grasp the FULL, joyous truth of what it means to have hope fulfilled. To CELEBRATE CHRISTMAS! 

For unto us a child is born. Unto us a child is GIVEN! 

 

This Christmas we experience the gift of a child.

This is not a child that we bore from our own bodies. She came in her own perfect timing, in a way that we did not plan and from a place that we did not expect. 

Someone else's child, given and entrusted to us. 

This year I learn, sometimes it is actually better to receive than give. 

Photos, Families and Fundraisers

I am so excited to announce our next fundraiser event not only because we continue forward in our adoption journey with Moriah, but also because this event is made possible by a dear friend, Suzy, and I am excited to be able to introduce her work to you.

Photo Shoot Adoption Fundraiser

courtesy of

Saturday, September 14, 2013

The event will be held outside in the Mill City/St Anthony Main area and each twenty minute session has a minimum suggested donation of $60. Sessions will be available throughout the daystarting at 9am until 7pm.  While so far we know of many families who have expressed interest in this event, but it is open to anyone who would like to participate and reserve a session.

If you would like to see some of Suzy's work, you can see it here on her Facebook page. (Sorry, the website is currently under construction but will be available soon).

If you have more questions and/or are interested in reserving a session please feel free to comment below or contact Jenny Kemper at 651.295.4050.

4:55:19

Just under 5 hours...that is how long it took for one amazing husband and father to run from Two Harbors to Duluth. That 26.2 miles is also known as Grandma's Marathon. He did it! He finished the marathon...and amazingly could not only walk the next day, but played in a soccer game!

Way to go Nate! Your wife and daughter (and so many others) are so proud of you!!!

Here's a quick recap of how that day went:

Nate got up and went to meet the bus that would bring him to the starting line too early to be called anything but ungodly.  Seriously....it was early. It was only about 45-50 degrees when the race began and the wind was at the runners' backs the entire race so for them, it was great. Not ideal conditions for those of us cheering, but we weren't doing all the hard work, so I can't complain.

My (Jenny's) parents and sister also made the drive up to Duluth that Saturday to help cheer on Nate as he ran. Together we made it to four different mile markers along the race including the finish line.

And you can see that Moriah was a trooper that day. She got taken out of her crib at 4 am to be put in the car for almost 3 hours. When she got to Duluth it was cold and rainy and she was in and out of the carrier and car seat all day. No good naps and feedings as best we could along the way.  Seriously, couldn't ask for a better baby! She's amazing!

Of course, it wasn't all work and no play.  We (Nate and Jenny) went up to Duluth on Thursday evening and checked into our lovely accommodations at the University of Minnesota Duluth dorms! (Can we say, second honeymoon, anyone?!)  We didn't think a dorm room was ideal with six-month-old so we begged and pleaded and finally Grandma and Grandpa Kissel (my parents), graciously agreed to take their granddaughter for a couple days.  Ok, really they had already said that they were thinking of driving up to come cheer on Nate and I offered to let them take Moriah for a couple days to sweeten the deal--Moriah gets to spend Thursday and Friday with her Grandparents, they drive her up to meet us on Saturday and we all cheer on Nate together!

The added bonus: Nate and I had a full day in Duluth just the two of us to do whatever we wanted! (Plus, this was our first overnight away from Moriah.) So, after picking up his race packet we got some lunch, went to a movie, walked around a bit, got out for dinner, and then caught up on some TV shows online while back in our luxurious...dorm room. Ok, the dorm room was just a place to sleep at best, but it was great to get away.

Thank you Grandma and Grandpa Kissel for not only taking your granddaughter for a couple days, but also for making the trip up to Duluth. Dad, thank you for driving around and parking in lots of not-so-easy-to-park-in places. Thank you Kristi, for joining us and remembering to take pictures of the day. Thank you Moriah for being the best little trooper.

THANK YOU DONORS for donating in support of Moriah's adoption through Nate's run in Grandma's Marathon!!!!! You didn't have to give, but we accept your generosity with appreciation and humility. In the end, we know that it is God who ultimately provides. But we also believe that he often chooses to provide through people. We are thankful for your support. And while we still have a long journey ahead of us, every gift is a blessing and reminder to keep moving forward.

Thank you all, again!

Moving Forward in 2013

I don’t know how to write this post without backtracking to the beginning of Moriah’s adoption story. 

On January 3^rd, we received the call that made adopting Moriah an option.  We decided that the risk involved (we knew little details at this point) was worth it.  And that decision started a number of phone calls.  Phone calls that if they went positively would end up with us being parents to the beautiful child that spoils us so much…and had they gone negatively, would have had us calling the lawyer the next morning to tell him we wouldn’t be able to work out all the details.

We decided at that point to multi-task, and each of us were making separate phone calls.  In the midst of those few short hours, we needed to find out if we could have all of the legal paperwork in order by noon the next day, and if we could have everything financially in order in two business days.

It was hard to know how to start the financial conversations. We had been prepared for the Minnesota adoption and had that amount covered. But interstate adoptions are much more expensive and the additional amount was more than we were prepared for.  How do you ask for a modest year’s wage over the phone?  How in asking for that do you see if it is possible to have it in your personal checking account by the next day?  We had thought we’d be engaging in an international process that would still have a year or more of time for us to do fundraising, and instead we had hours.  We didn’t have the fundraiser in our back pocket that raised that much money and could be done in an hour.  We just had a phone.

We found at this time of the story, like every other step, that God’s mercy and blessings were in our favor, and like most other steps, that they were seen through the actions of others.  And so, we felt release to move forward in this adoption process.  Release to walk through the next few days, weeks, and months confident in the God who had provided.  And as those days, weeks, and months passed, we celebrated our daughter, we celebrated our blessing, we celebrated a God who had provided. 

And while that celebration continues, that small quiet part of our spirit has become louder.  The discomfort of the phone call, and the implications on the people who picked up the other end of it remain present in our thoughts, our plans, and our prayers.

We didn’t have time in the few short hours to fundraise.  We didn’t have time to put our own efforts into the way in which we’d ask for support in our adoption journey.  But now we do. 

We’ll be clear…we still know we are asking people to support us.  And we know that the primary way this financial support will happen has little to do with our efforts and much to do with the generosity of people we know and care for.  But we have found some ways we can exert our effort while inviting you to support us financially.  We found things we can do, while we ask you to give. 

So here is our hope.  We’ll do stuff.  And if in the process you give, we’ll use that money to repay those who took on more of a burden than they had planned, who gave us the gift of pursuing Moriah on the riskiest adventure we’ll ever take, and who deserve not to have to hold that burden alone.

If by the grace of God, we raise more money than necessary for that end, we can guarantee that all money given will be used for adoption costs.  Whether our own future adoption, or towards someone else’s, none of the money will be used for anything except the financial burdens that come alongside an adoption process.

The first fundraiser is immediately upon us, and this is your fair warning that you’ll hear us talking about these over the next few weeks and months.  For explanations on what to expect, please read below:

Grandma’s Marathon 2013

On June 22^nd Nate will be getting up earlier than he likes, to run longer than he enjoys—26.2 miles to be exact. In 2007 he ran the Twin Cities Marathon and vowed that he would never run a marathon again…unless there was a cause. Well, needless to say, there is a precious cause worth running for, and he has been putting those running shoes on for the last few months in preparation for Grandma’s Marathon.

How can you get involved?  Support his run by giving a financial gift.  For many of you who see us regularly, we would love to see you, talk with you and accept any donations you feel led to give. For anyone who wants to support Nate’s run and you may not see us or want to give online there is a link to give on the right hand side of the blog.

 

Capture the Smiles Day

A very generous friend…and amazing photographer…has offered her services for a day and 100% proceeds will go directly towards Moriah’s adoption costs. You can get some amazing shots at a great deal.  We have not yet confirmed the exact date for this yet, but we are expecting late summer to early fall (so if you’re also thinking ahead to family Christmas cards, we’ll have you covered for photos).

More information about this will be coming when details are available.

 

Nate is Writing a Book!

Many of you have been asking, when will Nate finally be writing a book? Well, the day is upon us…or at least it is quickly approaching. There isn’t a solidified title yet, but the book will be more on a faith/spirituality focus. We will keep you updated on more information about the book and an expected release date as that information is available.

 

 

For now, these are our plans. We still believe that God is providing for our family. We also believe that God often chooses to use people to bless people, and so we are humbly asking for your help and participation.  There is a link on the right hand side of this blog. You may give there electronically or you may give donations directly to us if that is what you prefer.

Please feel free to ask us any questions and we will keep you all updated on these events as we move forward.

With all our gratitude and love

Nate, Jenny & Moriah Kemper

The Latest In Development

The other day, Little Peanut said, 

"Mom, look what I can do!"

And then she proceeded to do this:

Yep, she's pretty proud of herself.

Thankfully we are only going in one direction, but looks like pretty soon we will need to be moving a few things around in the house. This girl looks like she's got her daddy's eyes (mischievous eyes).

Almost Two Months!?!

Little Miss is almost two months old, and we can hardly believe it. It doesn't feel like more than a month has passed since we first brought her home. Since the last post we made was from Florida, here is a quick update of our arrival home in Minnesota.

We had to stay in Florida until the interstate adoption people gave us clearance to leave the state with her.  On the last post I asked that we be able to travel home together so that I (Jenny) would not be traveling through an airport alone with an infant. Thank you for praying. We had originally booked flights home for Saturday January 19 assuming that we would just change them if need be. Well, on Thursday January 17 we got the message that we were cleared to leave Florida. For logistical and cost reasons we decided to stay in Florida the extra two days, but YAY! we all got to fly home together.

The only sad part was that we didn't arrive into Minneapolis until 10:30PM so we weren't able to have all our family meet us at the airport. Instead we got to introduce Moriah to our immediate families over the next couple days.  Pop Pop (Nate's Dad) picked us up at the airport so he got to meet her first.

We still have a few things to complete before the finalization hearing can happen with the Florida courts.  We will need to complete three in home visits with our social worker, one every 30 days. The first meeting went well and we look forward to the other two in March and April. After those meetings are done we can file for a finalization hearing which we should be able to do by teleconference (saving a trip to Florida again).

While she is still a little peanut (she is still wearing newborn size clothes and when I try 0-3 month clothes she is swimming), it is amazing to me how much she really has grown. We have a doctor appointment this week where we will find out just how much. To me she seems so big, and then we hang out with other babies born just days before her and she looks tiny again.  

Lots of you (family) have been asking for updated pictures. So to end this post, here are a few that we took this last week.

Staying Warm in Florida!

Hello everyone!  Don't worry, this one will not be as long as the last one. =}

Moriah is doing great and enjoying life (as far as we can tell at least).  She has already had her first road trip and her first Chick-fil-A experience. On Thursday we left the Miami area and drove up to Orlando. We took it slow with a  long lunch at Chick-fil-A. She did great, sleeping pretty much the whole time we were in the car and ate while we were already stopped for lunch. And, of course, her first family vacation in Orlando.

The continued blessings keep flowing (as if adding a daughter to our family wasn't blessing enough). We intended on finding an extended stay type of hotel or condo to rent, but in couldn't find any in Miami area that were affordable. Thankfully, a friend was able to connect us with someone who donated a week at a timeshare in Orlando. So, we drove up to Orlando.  We cannot say thank you enough to have such a nice place to stay while we are here.

Other firsts: She has been on her first Marshall's run. Like her Mama she had a huge smile on her face while there. She even showed it again when we told the cashier that it would become her favorite store too. She has also been to Disney....ok, not really Disney World. We went to find some dinner last night and decided to stop at Downtown Disney. We walked around for a short bit, and she still slept through most of it.

Some people have been asking for prayer requests and if there is anything we need. Most obvious right now is still that we would like the legal process to continue smoothly so that we can all fly home in about a week.  Please continue to pray for this...I (Jenny) do not really want to travel through airports alone with baby and all our stuff.

Sorry, I don't have pictures here but we will post some again soon.

Fearful, Wonderful, Secret

 

 

 (sorry for formatting problems that may show up, hotel internet not co-operating)

 

 

 

Much like adoption, this post will be long but worth it!  I’d encourage you to read the whole thing and not just skip to the end, because the story is beautiful, and if you make it through, we’d love to introduce you to the girl filling these shoes:

Our adoption blog has always been based on some of the verses from Psalm 139:

“I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.  My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place.  When I was woven together in the depths of the earth your eyes saw my unformed body.  All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.”

We have felt God’s leading in this process, and we can attest it has been Fearful, Wonderful, and Secret, but God has been guiding it…and we’d love to tell share that story with you.

We last left off understanding our repetitive cycle: Hope, anxiety, grief, processing.

After changing from Columbia to domestic and having that adoption fall through, we spent December grieving and processing, looking at January to begin the cycle again by entering hope.  Our plan…call the social worker and re-engage in the Columbian process, and we planned to do that late last week.

But Columbia was known to us, and we were being led to something secret.  And so the whirlwind began.

Thursday afternoon at 4:00 Jenny got a phone call from a friend of a friend, whose name we knew but whom we had never formally met.  Jenny then called me at 4:30.

These were the details: There is a baby in Miami that needs placement quick.  It would require a bunch of legal hoops, logistical hoops and financial hoops, but if we were willing to clear our schedules for a few weeks and try, there is a chance we could become parents quickly.  And so we took the risk.

Indebted to many who made it possible, we traveled to Miami on Saturday morning and by early afternoon we were at the hospital meeting baby. 

She was born on December 30^th, so we met her as she was just 6 days old.  From that point on we began caring for her at the hospital, showing up for her feedings and playing with her until she slept again, then leaving to run errands and try to get the legal process in order.

This schedule had its moments of frustration, but they were always brushed aside by the immense joy and happiness we had while being in the room with her.

And so the days came and went, hotel for a few minutes, hospital, lawyer’s office, hospital, shopping, hospital, food, hospital, hotel.  Discharge continually delayed by different people or things trying to figure out if we had jumped through all the appropriate hoops.

The days had their fear, they were filled with wonder, and for the most part, they were kept secret, protecting ourselves and our friends from the highs and lows that would come with another quick cycle of grief if things went bad.

All the while wondering as we changed diapers and fed bottles, is this our daughter?  She feels like our daughter, smells like our daughter, in some ways even looks like our daughter (the nurses think she has my nose), and we immediately loved her like our daughter.  We spent four days seeing her face when we would close our eyes, hoping we’d always be able to see it when we opened them.

But we’ve been at a hospital before, and we didn’t leave with that baby, and so we wondered, can this be real?

During that time, we were pestered by family with the curious questions:

She was born weighing 5lb. 12oz. at 18 inches long (at 2:18 p.m. for the really curious)

She has dark hair now and what we think will become blue eyes.

And she is precious, the calmest healthiest baby you could ever ask for.

We were only holding out on their questions as they would ask us for a name.

5 hours ago (as of this writing), we got to leave the hospital with her.  God’s secret place where He had formed this child finally became known to us.  Miami is the place.  And while the legal process continues to get worked out, we are forced into our first family vacation, in beautiful Florida, in 80 degree weather in the middle of January.

But let’s continue: so we finally called the family with the name.

But there is a story with that too:

Initially planning for our Columbia adoption (many months ago) we had decided only on a girl’s name.  Assuming we would keep the given Columbian name as the middle name, we knew the first name we would choose. 

When we transferred to domestic (and announced that in October) we knew that baby was a girl.  And we decided that we would have birth mom pick the middle name.

On Saturday as we traveled, we realized that when it came to a daughter, we had never even bothered thinking of a middle name, but the first one we had chosen long ago.

The list of middle names stayed very short, and because of our sarcasm and dry sense of humor was more filled with silly middle names than real ones, but just a few hours before discharge we decided.

Her middle name had to be Hope.  She breaks the cycle and is the fulfillment of the Hope that God has given us throughout the process of trying to start our family.  And now that it is started, her name will reflect that Hope God had placed inside us.

And then there is the first name:

Early in our adoption journey, Jenny was reading the story of Sarah, Abraham, and their son Isaac told in Genesis.  This story is filled with a family praying and waiting for their child together, waiting to start a family, and trusting that God might be able to do something about it.  What they ended up getting was a plan that wasn’t their own, in fact it was one they found laughable at the time, but ultimately God fulfilled their hopes.

After doing so, he asked them to do a strange thing.  Sacrifice that child to him as an offering.  Offer their hope, their promised child to God as an offering.  God’s command is summarized in this way:  Take your son, whom you love, and go to the region of Moriah.  Sacrifice him there as an offering on one of the mountains I will talk about.

And so they responded with faith and put their trust in God ahead of their own plans and dreams.

As the story plays out, Abraham is spared from having to offer his child to God, and instead God provides a different offering to be used as worship for Abraham and his son to enjoy together.  In the Hebrew tradition, Abraham then names that mountain based on what has taken place there.  Verse 14 states it this way:

“So Abraham called that place The Lord Will Provide.  And to this day it is said, “On the mountain of the LORD it will be provided.”

Mount Moriah, defined by Abraham as the place where the Lord has provided.

As we talked about this story months ago, we knew.  We knew that if we were ever blessed with a baby girl, we would name her Moriah.  We would name her that because God will have started our family in a way different than we might have planned it on our own.  We would name her that because we would definitively know that our family would not have started had the Lord not provided. 

And now you know.  You know we have a baby girl.  And that her name is Moriah Hope Kemper.  And that the story of our family starting is a beautiful one, beyond our wildest imagination and is a gift given to us by a God who creates all of us Fearfully, Wonderfully, and in His Secret place.

           

Meet Moriah Hope Kemper:

 

 

 

(she left the hospital in the same receiving blanket as I did just over 32 years ago)

The Continuing Journey Towards Hope

We have found the journey towards the start of our family so far to frame itself in a cyclical pattern.  Hope, anxiety, grief, processing.  Much like the cycles of nature, this seems to have repeated itself many times, and an aware person of our story and our documentation of it, will find that we rarely know what to say during the times of anxiety and grief.

But today, it is time to write again.

Our last update here had us anticipating and hoping the arrival of a daughter in the beginning of December.  Anxiety came roughly a month before that. In fact, in the span of a couple weeks, we felt the whole cycle as that adoption went from expected to lost. In the beginning of November we got a call from our social worker that birth mom was moving in a different direction. We were heartbroken. And then, a week or so later we got another message…there was potential again.  Guarding ourselves and our own emotions, we weren’t as quick to update during that time, but instead chose to wait until things were a bit more concrete. But we again found ourselves both hopeful and anxious.

We were able to be at the hospital during birth.  That weekend was a feeling extreme anxiety.  We heard baby’s first cry and spent time holding her.  We did the hospital experience for the first day with no understanding of if we were holding a child, or if we were holding our child.  And we slept in a hotel that night, anxious.

The next morning we found out that birth mom had decided to parent.  We spoke with her briefly before heading home—and we grieved.  I always have to make sure to remind people, that a birth mother deciding to parent is a beautiful choice, and while we want a child of our own, we do authentically want what is best for each child.  We hope this decision proves to be best for that child and would ask people to refrain from making this birth mother out to be a villain.  We can’t imagine the emotions and decisions she had to make, and never felt like we were being disregarded, misunderstood, or undervalued.

The grieving process is an interesting one.  It functions very different for the two of us at almost every point.  Verbal processing at times, and silent processing at others.  Blunt and public on occasion, while reserved and withdrawn at others.  Felt at times by one and not the other, and emotions triggered by the silliest, smallest, or strangest things.  The grief of a certain hope lost will never disappear completely, and random things bring it back as felt emotion, but as a standard, we’ve moved to processing again.

What have we learned?  What comes next?  How attached are we to what kind of process?  How may God be leading us?  Questions that guide us through processing with the aim of returning us to a hope filled season of life.

We still believe strongly that adoption is the route for us, and as we’ve processed it, we’ll be continuing to move forward with that in January.  As best as we can tell right now, we’ll be doing so by re-engaging in the Columbian international adoption program.

For many people, conversing with us about the start of our family can be awkward.  It can be hard to read which stage of a cycle we are in, how emotional we might be, or what particular help or encouragement you can be to us.  I understand that.  I wouldn’t know how to talk to us either.  What I do know is most of you have been doing a great job.  You refrain from questions when you don’t know how comfortably they may be received.  You support any good news you hear and offer hugs and condolences in times of our anxiety and grief.  Many of you anticipate hearing the results of our processing, but often do so without pressuring us or nagging us through that time.  In short, you take what could be awkward for all of us and try to make it as natural as possible.  Thank you.

There is a story that travels around about Ernest Hemingway, that one day he won an awkward bet.  Write a short story in under 10 words.  The rumor goes that he considers it one of his finest works, and while the bet can never be proven, there is a 6 word story accredited to his name:  “For sale: Baby shoes, never used!”

Because of my (Nate’s) love for baby shoes (my first purchase and a symbol to us of a hope filled future) a few different people have told me of this story.  They’ve used it very appropriately to express their condolences as I grieved.  And I get the sentiment.  I imagine many can only imagine, but do so sympathetically, with the story of baby shoes bought but never used.

But that was for grief, and grief is only part of our story.  And in our journey so far, hope has always come after and trumped the grief.  So, weirdly, I don’t look at our baby shoes with grief.  I look at them with hope.  Our child is coming.  Our family is growing.  Somewhere, in the “secret” place that God alone knows, our child is being drawn to us.  This process is “fearful and wonderful” and we’ll continue walking through it with hope.

From Flags to Shoes - The Current Story of Our Little One

For those of you who prefer short stories (especially those which re-hash some parts of our story you may already know), here is the awesomeness contained within this story:  

We are expecting Baby Girl Kemper to join our family 

shortly after Thanksgiving! 

Yes, we're aware how soon that is. But we can’t just skip to that part of the story and not tell you how we got there, so if you’ll bear with us, you’ll see how we’ve gotten to this point.

A Recap of What’s Been Public So Far:

It’s been a few years now that we’ve felt ready to expand our family.  The “easy” or “traditional” path to parenting doesn’t appear to have been God’s plan for us.  Infertility was followed and confirmed by testing, which was followed by medical pursuits of pregnancy.  And so again we discovered God had a different plan.We know that confidently now, but it took some discovery along the way.  

This is a better story. A beautiful story.

We’ve seen that beauty unfold as as we’ve turned it over to God, who has had greater plans all along of growing our family.  We decided on adoption and began sharing  this publicly and enthusiastically.

You can read the past blogs to see again that excitement and read the awesome journey we’ve been on.  If you looked at the dates of those entries however, you’ll notice a large gap where the posting seemed to have vanished as if there wasn’t anything to say.  That was far from the truth, we just didn’t know what to make public.

All the Balls Back in The Air:

For a while the thoughts and conversations were simple.  Our hearts had been (and still are) filled with desire and love to adopt an infant from Columbia.  And so we progressed.  Fundraising, praying, sharing conversations and updating our friends and family.  It was a waiting game filled with paperwork, education, and patience.  But we knew what to do, move forward in that process with eyes set firmly on a little child from Columbia.

Our focus and resolve made small talk easy.  As people would tell of us possible adoption avenues, we were resolved to the plan we had…Columbia it is. Our hearts are with Columbia and the child that waits for us there.  The Columbian flags we have purchased and that sit in our office (soon to be nursery) show this part of the story well.

But then God stirred our hearts and emotions again, 

in an unexpected way that would forever change us. 

Earlier this summer, Nate was approached between church services on a Sunday morning.  Someone knew (not indirectly, but directly) of a possible domestic adoption opportunity and felt specifically that we needed to be part of it.  The details were explained in brief and Nate promised that we’d pray over them.  And so he told Jenny, still between services, where he found her getting ready to serve in the nursery at church. 

This wasn’t the first time that someone had mentioned they knew of an expectant mother looking into adoption. But it was the first time that it stirred something in us. Something that begged us to at least asked the question, "Should we consider this?"

Emotions came.

Talk of a baby started.  

Talk of a waiting game pushed forward.  

Talk of an addition to our family seemed more real.  

Emotions came, but that is all that we knew.  

We still needed to decipher those emotions and plan to move forward, longing to be led by God and not emotions.It felt like all the balls were in the air again.  And it was both scary and exciting at the same time.

From Then to Now:

We’ve had many of conversations.  We’ve prayed.  We've found our hearts changed as we are now tied and committed to the process of this domestic adoption.  God has shown Himself faithful to us the entire time.

We moved forward not just in thought but in action.  We decided to put the Columbian process on hold temporarily and moved forward with the meeting of this potential birth mother.  We saw positive signs, we saw uncertain signs, we saw signs we didn’t know how to interpret, and we took steps forward.  

We decided things were too unsettled to be sharing a lot at that point.  And so many of you got silence. 

But silence isn’t fun.  And not knowing isn’t fun.  And so we waited and prayed for confidence, for assurance, and for resolution to this opportunity—longing to know if we should take the leap to the domestic path or return solely to the Columbian one.

And the answers have come.  We are as confident as we can be that we are adopting domestically.  That as we become the best parents the world has ever seen,  that it will start with a baby girl.  That she is due shortly after Thanksgiving.  And that she will change our lives forever.  

We are also confident that when time permits, we will again re-enter the Columbian process to see our family grow again.  This is what we know now.

What We are Up To:

We haven’t been confident of this change for very long.  And so we find ourselves with a two and a half month 'pregnancy.'  Ready for the whirlwind of legal process, home changes, and general giddiness that we’ve dreamed of for so long.  We’ve been working with birth mom, working with agencies, starting to share our news with friends and family and excitedly preparing ourselves for this next chapter of life.

We are excited as we look back and see the incredible journey God has brought us on.  We also recognize that there is still risk and we may find ourselves yet again back at the square one with all the balls in the air.  Trust us, we have enough anxiety for everyone.  

Please pray with us, for ourselves, for birth mom, and for baby.  We know God has a plan for us as parents.  As best as we can tell right now, this is the plan.  I’ll consider this the worry disclaimer paragraph.  There is and will be risk through this story for quite a while.  We are aware and willing to take this risk.  We’ve been thankful to those sharing this burden with us.

But there is also pure enjoyment with this part of the process.  Nate always knew that newborn shoes would be the first thing he would buy when we found out we would be having a child.  So that has been done.  (They can be seen in the picture above.)  We’ve had people excitedly talking about throwing baby showers, people who have already purchased outfits, and people who have graciously donated money for this process. 

Our heads are filled with dreams of our nursery, our conversations full of baby-names and what to register for, and our house has an awkward amount of baby girl’s clothes (not pink one’s though) for a family with no baby.

We have a lot we want to accomplish and even more that we need to accomplish in this short two month period, but we are energized (even in the midst of the stress and chaos) to cross things off the list.

We know so far that the story is bigger than the two of us, is written already better than we could have penned ourselves, and will end up displaying “family” in a beautiful way for the whole world to see.