As I was going through my devotional book this morning and praying, I realized that I so quickly pray and think of my thoughts through this process and not until after that do I think to pray for our future child.
It is moments like these that hit me the hardest. I realize that while there is an exciting journey still in front of us, there are things that I so desperately want to experience that I can’t, and probably never will. When I get dressed in the morning, I don’t see a growing bump that reminds me there is a child that needs my prayer and concern. When I eat meals, I am not thinking of how my choices will directly affect a life that depends on me. When other women talk about their pregnancy experiences, all the highs and the lows, I don’t get to participate.
More than anything, these moments fill me with great sadness. I know that in the long run none of this will truly matter. But right now there is sadness, grief, at the loss of a dream that I am still learning to let go of.
My heart hurts.
And so I am left with one simple prayer, “Lord, I don’t know, but you do. May I trust your hand, and show me how to pray for the child you have for us.”
(HUG) Remember, you will be making a difference in this child's life. This child has a need bigger than we will ever realize. This is a very special event that you GET TO take part in.
ReplyDeleteKristi
I feel your pain; at least half of it. I only had half a pregnancy (technically a little more) but because so much of what people talk about is what happens / what one feels the last few months, I've missed out too. I understand the ache, and even the sense or feeling of being incomplete as a woman. Which obviously isn't true, but it sure can feel that way. I am truly sorry that this journey has been so difficult for you. I can't wait to be writing you when you are sitting with a child in your arms!
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