My Heart Hurts

As I was going through my devotional book this morning and praying, I realized that I so quickly pray and think of my thoughts through this process and not until after that do I think to pray for our future child.

It is moments like these that hit me the hardest. I realize that while there is an exciting journey still in front of us, there are things that I so desperately want to experience that I can’t, and probably never will. When I get dressed in the morning, I don’t see a growing bump that reminds me there is a child that needs my prayer and concern. When I eat meals, I am not thinking of how my choices will directly affect a life that depends on me. When other women talk about their pregnancy experiences, all the highs and the lows, I don’t get to participate.

More than anything, these moments fill me with great sadness. I know that in the long run none of this will truly matter. But right now there is sadness, grief, at the loss of a dream that I am still learning to let go of.

My heart hurts.

And so I am left with one simple prayer, “Lord, I don’t know, but you do. May I trust your hand, and show me how to pray for the child you have for us.”

Comfort & Confirmation

As our “pregnancy” has been moving along, we acknowledge many of the differences between this tract, and a more traditional pregnancy.  The weight of decisions we make is comparable, but the scales are far different.

We for instance, have not been researching midwives, OBGYN’s, or hospitals of choice for the birth.  We haven’t discussed water birth, home birth, or even what kind of drugs to have available as the labor process ensues.  Taxing decisions that couples make as they deal with their upcoming addition. 

But our decisions have been weighty.  We’ve been hoping for guidance during the process, trusting that in some way (often many different ones) that God will lead us through the process.  So we’ve been discussing things like, state of birth, even nation of birth; looking at country of origin instead of hospital of delivery; looking for the comforting advice of lawyers and agencies instead of doctors and midwives.

Luckily, as many couples do, whether with natural birth or with adoption, we’ve felt guidance along the way.  We’ll share one of those stories now…

As maybe is true with most pregnancies, our awesome female (Jenny) initially invested herself more diligently into the research we had available.  Thinking through what friends had said over lunch, scouring websites of adoption agencies, even to the point of comparing country programs against each other.  This sounds menacing in the amount of research (to me the man) and in crudeness of comparison (we don’t actually value certain culture’s children more than others) but was as much a part of our process as the hospital and doctor decisions others make.  We wanted to be comfortable.  To feel like we were on the path we belonged…and though it wasn’t clearly verbalized, Jenny’s research formed some strong opinions.

Regardless of those opinions we went to our first informational meeting with Children’s Home Society (an agency highly recommended to us) with ears and minds open.  I almost felt discouraged as we heard about domestic adoption, not because we’re against it, but the comfort was missing.  I was wondering if we had even found the right agency.  But as insight, clarification, guidance, or in Jenny’s case confirmation would go, this meeting would do wonders on our hearts.

We navigated through domestic adoptions and turned our attention towards international.  With an aim to have an infant for our first child, the countries were narrowed to four: Kenya, China, Russia, and Columbia.  We talked diligently about all of them, but our focus, our questions, all of our follow up conversations were about only one country.

And while the solution isn’t the easiest answer (some parts of this process will be even harder), or the cheapest answer (though also not most expensive as our taste may sometimes always push), what we did find is comfort.  Comfort in many forms.  In the care of the children before adoption, the stability of the government process, even in the need we perceive we’ll be meeting in the world…comfort in this option above all others.

So we decided.  With just a few words on the drive home we committed to moving forward with adoption from Columbia.  And after just those few words found something we had been looking for over the past three years…

Something worth celebrating!  We’ve made a decision, we’ve felt guided in the process even confirmed by God in the process, and for the first time, comfortable with where we are in the process.

The Beginning...

It seems weird to call this a beginning, as Jenny and I have felt the weight of it for years now.  But at this time, with more confidence than ever we can say "We're expecting!"

Our journey in finding that out, hasn't been the traditional one, but unites us with lots of others around the world.  We didn't get pregnant naturally in our timing or for that matter at all.  We tested for infertility and found some signals that traditional pregnancy would be hard.  We tried treatment, it was unsuccessful.  We tried medical options to increase chances, they were unsuccessful.  So it feels far from the beginning.

And though the time traces back for years, this also strangely feels like a new start.  A journey that will lead us into parenthood, to unbreakable connection with a child of our own, to a place we feel confident that God has gifted and prepared us for.

A "Fearful.  Wonderful.  Secret." kind of place.

Fearful for the journey.  The cost.  The emotions.  The worry.  The lack of control.  Different fears than come with traditional pregnancy (things like miscarriage) but I can assure you, in the limited experiences we've already had, the Fear is real with our "pregnancy" as well.

Wonderful in its mission.  We'll uniquely be able to care for a child that otherwise might go without that care.  Love a child with as much of a representation of God's love as we can.  A child brought to us not through biology, but by the matching of people...nations...and we believe God himself.

Secret in its timing.  A child we won't see develop before meeting.  We won't have the ultrasound pictures, we'll hear voice before heartbeat.  We'll pay for care that's being delivered by someone else before we can even put a face in our thoughts.  But the "Secret" is also comforting.  Scripture talks about God creating all babies.  "Forming" them in the womb.  But that is just the forming part. In the Psalms (quoted at the top of the page) it speaks of God making people "in the secret place."

And that's where our child is.  In a Fearful, Wonderful, Secret place.

Maybe forming in the womb now.  Perhaps already born.  Or maybe, someone only in existence in God's secret place, still yet to take its path to this world and meet us, the loving and expecting parents.

Feel free to watch our adoption story!
When appropriate, feel free to participate in it!