Hurry Up and Wait...and, Exciting Realizations

Please don't mistake the recent lack of posts to mean that nothing much is happening for us with the adoption process. We have been very busy lately with hurry up and wait.

In the beginning of March we were doing a lot of waiting. Now we are back to hurry up.

Last time I posted, we had a number of forms to complete and submit. Well, the story has not changed, they are just a new set of forms. About a month ago we attended an adoption issues education day with the adoption agency, and from this event we were given a lot more paperwork...something I am unfortunately getting used to.

And so begins our home study process.

The home study is one of the things that I have been most anxious about. It has been good to hear from a lot of different people that it is not something to worry about, that it's more of a conversation than an interview. That put me at ease a little bit more. For now, we have pages of autobiographical questions to answer about ourselves, cultural worksheets and medical questionnaires. I have to admit that this part has been a little more difficult than I was expecting. (I am going to use the excuse that with Easter in there and Nate being a pastor, and both of us volunteering for stuff, we have just been so busy. That's valid, right?)

But, we're making headway.

We're also multi-tasking. While getting all our paperwork done is important, it doesn't make much difference if we are not able to make all the financial milestones along the way as well. We have been very fortunate, beyond blessed (if that's possible), to have friends and family willing to help with some fundraisers towards our adoption fund. I am so grateful for this and cannot express enough how much we appreciate it.

And...

Exciting Realizations

I was reading through some of our past posts and re-read this one. I don't think that this kind of pain will ever go away, it will forever be part of my story. But, just a few weeks after this, I/we came to a couple new realizations.

1. I think that if we were to become pregnant now, we would feel a little disappointed. Don't get me wrong, of course we would be excited. But getting pregnant would mean that we would have to put our adoption process on hold for at least a few years. And now that we're in it, we're so excited to adopt that I would be disappointed to have to stop this process.

2. I have heard people talk about how if they could go back and change a painful experience, they wouldn't. I would always hear this and think, 'oh, you're just saying that because you know you couldn't if you wanted to anyway.' Now I understand. I know that it is only because of that painful experience that we are at this exciting place today. As painful an experience as infertility has been, I know that we would never have seriously considered adoption otherwise. I am (gasp) thankful to not get what I originally wanted.

So, yes, in a way my heart still hurts, in a way. But now my heart longs even more to meet the little boy or girl that will someday come into our family from Colombia.

Check...and Check...

24 pages of detailed information to complete...check!

16 pages to read...check!

26 signatures...check!

4 online adoption education courses including worksheets and evaluations...check!

2 medical exams scheduled to be completed by the end of the month...check!

3 reference letters to be completed by other people...hopefully getting done soon!

1 marriage certificate...check!

2 birth certificates...almost check.

Fingerprinting and background checks...will be done as soon as above paperwork is submitted and complete.

And a partridge in a pear tree.

We received our packet of State of Minnesota Department of Human Services forms on Feb 4. We have been pushing ourselves to get all our paperwork in for this portion of the process by the end of February. If we can meet that deadline then we can do our final on-site education course with the adoption agency in March and be assigned our social worker for our home study. If we can't get it all submitted then we have to wait until April. (Boo)

Needless to say, the last couple weeks I have been pouring over the forms multiple times reading, rereading and re-rereading (and then repeated this process about a hundred times) to make sure that everything was complete and correct. I only had a couple mental and emotional breakdowns as I was convinced that we're not perfect enough to get a child. I know it sounds silly, but man this process really makes you feel self conscious because you know complete strangers are evaluating your life and making a determination on whether or not you can successfully parent a child. Then after sleeping on it you realize that every parent screws up their child, so we'll be fine. =)

Last thoughts: In an adoption process, if you have trouble keeping a sense of humor during the transition process of when an adopted child first comes home, here is what one of our required courses suggested, "sign up for a joke of the day email service." (no joke)

It Comes With a Cost

The adoption process doesn't come without its costs.

We've already been doling out the worry and the stress as even just the first few forms have to be tracked down.  Needing the cooperation of agencies that we no longer deal with, and haven't for many months, to do work that isn't a normal task for them, nor something that is a requirement in their job descriptions has quickly welcomed us into some of the "costs" attached with this process.

Jenny has paid those primary costs (she's been great with the paperwork thus far) while I've just been informed of them, and stressed by them in kind.

The "cost" of vulnerability has been apparent as well.  This process, each of our decisions, and when and how to share it have come with their own sets of sacrifice.  It hasn't always been comfortable or easy, but bringing others along in the process is a valuable part of the journey to us...but it costs something.  Much like "naturally" pregnant women must feel judged by people who are just watching their actions and commenting on even miniscule tasks and decisions, we have to navigate the comments of others to find their helpful purpose and not just what we initially perceive from people's "feedback."

And least surprising, but quite the mountain to overcome, is the financial cost.  In the most blunt way it can be stated...Adoption is NOT cheap!  Now to be sure, there are various different ways that the financial cost gets accounted for by different couples (grants, government rebates, fundraising, differing costs by programs) but no adoption is cheap.  Someone pays a substantial financial cost.

We feel the burden to do the same.  The burden of figuring out where approximately $35,000 dollars will come from has fallen to us.  We've got some ideas, have started some research, and have even had people tell us they want to bear some of that burden for us, all of which is encouraging.  And trust us, we'll have multiple ways with which to invite you (and/or for you to invite those you know) to help us with this burden as well.

I want to tell you one of those ways now.  It's the beginning of an invitation.

I feel an immense peace with the financial burden of this adoption.  I'm fortunate to have that peace and don't take it lightly.  But I feel the need to balance that peace with a very real cost burden, and have figured out one way to do that.

I'm taking on a second job.  I don't know exactly who is employing me yet, though I'm hoping it will be many of you.  On my end of the contract, I'm committing to work.  Specifically to work on an assigned project.

I'm going to write a book.

It feels nerve-wracking to see that sentence written.  But it is my new job.  Over the next months I'll spend many of my hours writing something I believe to be of value.  And hope someone will buy it.  I don't know exactly what that means yet, but am sure as I research self-publishing and e-publishing and all that I'll be able to figure out a way to make money (hopefully) by convincing (or arm twisting) many of you into buying copies of my book.

This is one of the ways I can think of to putting in work on our end, taking the burden seriously, and also inviting many of you to carry it with us.

I'm committed to it.  This process will come with a cost, but that cost will be worth it.

My Heart Hurts

As I was going through my devotional book this morning and praying, I realized that I so quickly pray and think of my thoughts through this process and not until after that do I think to pray for our future child.

It is moments like these that hit me the hardest. I realize that while there is an exciting journey still in front of us, there are things that I so desperately want to experience that I can’t, and probably never will. When I get dressed in the morning, I don’t see a growing bump that reminds me there is a child that needs my prayer and concern. When I eat meals, I am not thinking of how my choices will directly affect a life that depends on me. When other women talk about their pregnancy experiences, all the highs and the lows, I don’t get to participate.

More than anything, these moments fill me with great sadness. I know that in the long run none of this will truly matter. But right now there is sadness, grief, at the loss of a dream that I am still learning to let go of.

My heart hurts.

And so I am left with one simple prayer, “Lord, I don’t know, but you do. May I trust your hand, and show me how to pray for the child you have for us.”

Comfort & Confirmation

As our “pregnancy” has been moving along, we acknowledge many of the differences between this tract, and a more traditional pregnancy.  The weight of decisions we make is comparable, but the scales are far different.

We for instance, have not been researching midwives, OBGYN’s, or hospitals of choice for the birth.  We haven’t discussed water birth, home birth, or even what kind of drugs to have available as the labor process ensues.  Taxing decisions that couples make as they deal with their upcoming addition. 

But our decisions have been weighty.  We’ve been hoping for guidance during the process, trusting that in some way (often many different ones) that God will lead us through the process.  So we’ve been discussing things like, state of birth, even nation of birth; looking at country of origin instead of hospital of delivery; looking for the comforting advice of lawyers and agencies instead of doctors and midwives.

Luckily, as many couples do, whether with natural birth or with adoption, we’ve felt guidance along the way.  We’ll share one of those stories now…

As maybe is true with most pregnancies, our awesome female (Jenny) initially invested herself more diligently into the research we had available.  Thinking through what friends had said over lunch, scouring websites of adoption agencies, even to the point of comparing country programs against each other.  This sounds menacing in the amount of research (to me the man) and in crudeness of comparison (we don’t actually value certain culture’s children more than others) but was as much a part of our process as the hospital and doctor decisions others make.  We wanted to be comfortable.  To feel like we were on the path we belonged…and though it wasn’t clearly verbalized, Jenny’s research formed some strong opinions.

Regardless of those opinions we went to our first informational meeting with Children’s Home Society (an agency highly recommended to us) with ears and minds open.  I almost felt discouraged as we heard about domestic adoption, not because we’re against it, but the comfort was missing.  I was wondering if we had even found the right agency.  But as insight, clarification, guidance, or in Jenny’s case confirmation would go, this meeting would do wonders on our hearts.

We navigated through domestic adoptions and turned our attention towards international.  With an aim to have an infant for our first child, the countries were narrowed to four: Kenya, China, Russia, and Columbia.  We talked diligently about all of them, but our focus, our questions, all of our follow up conversations were about only one country.

And while the solution isn’t the easiest answer (some parts of this process will be even harder), or the cheapest answer (though also not most expensive as our taste may sometimes always push), what we did find is comfort.  Comfort in many forms.  In the care of the children before adoption, the stability of the government process, even in the need we perceive we’ll be meeting in the world…comfort in this option above all others.

So we decided.  With just a few words on the drive home we committed to moving forward with adoption from Columbia.  And after just those few words found something we had been looking for over the past three years…

Something worth celebrating!  We’ve made a decision, we’ve felt guided in the process even confirmed by God in the process, and for the first time, comfortable with where we are in the process.

The Beginning...

It seems weird to call this a beginning, as Jenny and I have felt the weight of it for years now.  But at this time, with more confidence than ever we can say "We're expecting!"

Our journey in finding that out, hasn't been the traditional one, but unites us with lots of others around the world.  We didn't get pregnant naturally in our timing or for that matter at all.  We tested for infertility and found some signals that traditional pregnancy would be hard.  We tried treatment, it was unsuccessful.  We tried medical options to increase chances, they were unsuccessful.  So it feels far from the beginning.

And though the time traces back for years, this also strangely feels like a new start.  A journey that will lead us into parenthood, to unbreakable connection with a child of our own, to a place we feel confident that God has gifted and prepared us for.

A "Fearful.  Wonderful.  Secret." kind of place.

Fearful for the journey.  The cost.  The emotions.  The worry.  The lack of control.  Different fears than come with traditional pregnancy (things like miscarriage) but I can assure you, in the limited experiences we've already had, the Fear is real with our "pregnancy" as well.

Wonderful in its mission.  We'll uniquely be able to care for a child that otherwise might go without that care.  Love a child with as much of a representation of God's love as we can.  A child brought to us not through biology, but by the matching of people...nations...and we believe God himself.

Secret in its timing.  A child we won't see develop before meeting.  We won't have the ultrasound pictures, we'll hear voice before heartbeat.  We'll pay for care that's being delivered by someone else before we can even put a face in our thoughts.  But the "Secret" is also comforting.  Scripture talks about God creating all babies.  "Forming" them in the womb.  But that is just the forming part. In the Psalms (quoted at the top of the page) it speaks of God making people "in the secret place."

And that's where our child is.  In a Fearful, Wonderful, Secret place.

Maybe forming in the womb now.  Perhaps already born.  Or maybe, someone only in existence in God's secret place, still yet to take its path to this world and meet us, the loving and expecting parents.

Feel free to watch our adoption story!
When appropriate, feel free to participate in it!