When the Roller Coaster Stops

Adoption is often compared to a roller coaster. And as far as analogies go, it’s pretty accurate.  There are times you’re working up to something, other times you fall into whatever is next with no control over where it takes you. There is simultaneously both excitement and fear, peace and anxiety, hope and disappointment. Sometimes there is a lot of waiting and other times things take off before you feel ready. Sometimes unexpected turns provide another surge of excitement and energy to keep moving forward. At other times a turn may leave you feeling unsettled and unsure of what is ahead. Sometimes you are glad when it ends and often the ride comes to a stop far sooner than you wanted.

For us, our most recent adoption journey has definitely given us some unexpected turns. And while we would love to say that those turns provided just joy and excitement, unfortunately  our ride ended sooner than we wanted and we are currently sitting with more disappointment and feeling unsure of what comes next.

We got a call early in May that birth mom was in labor. That was certainly unexpected since she wasn’t due for about two weeks and had not been showing signs that labor would come soon. And while we had a goal of getting “go bags” packed and ready, we didn’t get those done in time. So we quickly packed up Moriah, got her to the grandparents’ house and then packed ourselves before flying out the next morning.

The next couple days were filled with a good amount of excitement, energy and hope. We arrived at the hospital the next afternoon and spent that day and the next with baby boy, birth mom and some of her family. We held baby boy and talked about names. We changed diapers, fed him bottles and gave him kisses. We spent time with birth mom and got to know this beautiful woman more.

We knew that the adoption attorney would not be able to make it to the hospital for a few days so we waited patiently. Baby boy was still in the hospital (expected) so we found activities to occupy some of our free time while we waited.

Then, came the big unexpected turn. We woke up to a message from the attorney not saying when he would arrive but instead that birth mom was rethinking her choice. We were stunned. And while we understand that adoption is a difficult choice for any mother, this one caught us off guard. Feeling somewhat paralyzed by this news we decided we needed to stay in Florida for a few more days until we had more information and began to process what was happening.

We had planned on being there for at least two weeks, but after just eight days we decided we needed to head back home, without our baby boy. Our ride came to an abrupt stop.

This time we went through airports with an empty car seat and stroller. This time we walked with disappointment and sadness as our arms were empty and not holding a baby. Again we cried as we lost a child we believed would be ours but wasn’t.

We would love to be writing this post while holding our son and showing you pictures of his sweet face. But instead we are praying that the decisions made on his behalf are what is truly best for him and birth mom.

A couple years ago, long before we had Moriah, God asked me (Jenny) a pointed question one day while sitting in church. He asked me, “Do you trust me with your family?” I was struggling with infertility and the heartbreak of watching so many people around me get pregnant seemed too  much at times. But I knew in my heart my response. Yes. Yes, Lord, I trust you with my family. Then he said, “Let me show you how I will provide.” I can’t explain what happened after that in any other way than to say there was peace.

At the moment we are unsure of what our story looks like moving forward. But this we know for sure: God is GOOD!  We may not understand why. There may never be an answer for that. He never promised an easy life. But he does promise to bring us through if we lean on him. And so, that is what we will do. It may sound cheesy to some to say that, but for us that is truth. 

On a practical note we want to make something clear. Any birth mom faced with the choice of adoption for her baby is making a very difficult choice. There is absolutely no room for saying anything negative about birth mom. We will not budge on this. We may be hurting, but understand that our desire to be parents will always come at the sacrifice of another parent in a huge way. Please show her the love and respect she deserves.

We so greatly appreciate all the love and support many of you have already shown us. Thank you for allowing us to not talk when we don’t want to, for letting us cry when needed, for feeding us and for distracting us with games and fun. And, thank you for praying for us all as we take one day at a time on this crazy journey of life.